Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
