He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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