I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
