Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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