I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
