New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
