Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize