Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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