Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
