She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize