i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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