Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
