My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
