allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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