My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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