I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
