i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
