I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
