Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
