I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
