Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
