My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
