he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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