So drunk its hurt
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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