this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
