I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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