wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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