mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize