if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
