Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
