Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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