Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
