My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
