i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
