yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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