never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
