I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
