I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
