I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Enjoy the penises
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
