drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Don't EVER smell your tampon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
