I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
