I want to have your abortion
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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