i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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