I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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