Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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