so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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