I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
