you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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