Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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