I cannot find my penis.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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