I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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