I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
did i just pee glitter
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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