dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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