Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my sisters under your porch take her home
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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