Yo dont text me then not text me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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