When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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